My time on earth is not long

My time on earth is not long

What could be so wrong

Money is not important anymore

Now I realize time, health and family truly matter

What else could I do anymore

To leave footprints on this earth

That’s what I think about everyday

Sometimes I also think

It doesn’t matter anymore

I cannot see my effects and impacts for this earth anymore

Just let me leave

I also think

If I still have a day, just a day on this earth

What would I do with it

People usually think

Surely do something I always wish to do

To have no regret in life

No… It’s not true

It even doesn’t matter also

Because I would leave anyhow

I would just end up doing nothing

And make people wonder

Why would I just leave

Without a trace

It always has a sign

Just you all don’t realize it

Remember when I suddenly disappeared from the crowd

Remember when I suddenly met you for one last time

Remember when I talked about something weird

That my time has come etc.

You all just take me for granted

My health is getting worse

And I’m too tired to fight anymore

I almost give up

Suddenly I feel death is comfortable

I always thought so

Should I be happy about it

I’m not afraid of death

That’s what I wanted

All this while

The truth is

When one is not afraid of death

One is not afraid of everything alive

That’s me now

I could be weak or so strong

No matter how many tears I shed

As long as I’m still survive

Nothing I will be afraid

No matter how difficult is the future

As long as I still feel my heart beating

Nothing I will be afraid

Now I just enjoy the time left

On this earth

Fearless

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AIDS diary

Getting blisters on genital

Consult a doctor

Blood tests

Worrying

Results out

HIV detected

CD4 was as low as 30

Full blown AIDS

Hepatitis

Hopeless

Depressed

Going to kill myself

Found out that

Killing myself is scary as well

I could not live nor die

What could I do

Too many procedures to follow up

Lung specialist

Infectious diseases specialist

TB medicine

Antiretroviral medicine

Bactrim

Too many medicines to handle

Felt that my liver was overburden

Kept vomiting

Nausea

Loss of appetite

Getting skinny

6 feets tall

With 45kg

I couldn’t even walk under the rain

The wind was blowing me away

I fainted when I walked

Prolong fever

Constant fever

Anxiety

Depression

Everyone asked me what happened

I couldn’t tell anyone

Because of stigma and shame

Skin was getting blisters

I couldn’t look any worse

Trying my best

To look healthy again

To keep taking my medicines

Slowly getting better

TB was healed

Still loss of appetite

Still so skinny

Don’t judge my body size

Anyhow how I look

Is not what makes me what I am

What I am is how strong I am

To keep living

Nobody employs me to work

Nobody wants an unhealthy employee

Everyone judges my outlook

How long can I still survive

I don’t know anymore

As long as I survive

That’s what matters most

I keep writing

Before I die

To give hopes to people

Don’t give up

Your conditions do get better

And you are more important than the planet

A long life may not be good enough

But a good life is long enough

Keep fighting

You are my hero

Human heart is a bottomless pit

Sometimes loneliness is too heavy

Everybody around me are just audiences

They won’t understand how I feel

Suddenly someone jumps out

Her caring melts my heart

Fall in love within a minute

Noone encourages me to love

I shouldn’t rush into love

I fill the void blindly

Because I’m afraid of being alone

Hey

I recall my love history

Who could imagine forever

I gave my all because of weakness

Jump from one relationship to another

Love is never full nor empty

The storms arrive too soon

Human heart is a bottomless pit

Try to kiss

Try to cuddle

Try to communicate

You don’t like me

No matter how I try is useless

Most people are the same

They love the face but not the heart

The best patient

Sitting in a hospital

Looking around

Full of patients

With all kinds of illnesses

Some are complaining

Some are suffering

Some are remaining calm

Some are smiling

It’s my turn

I’m thinking

I must be the best

Doctor asks

What’s your problem

I answer

My problem is

How should I celebrate

My well-being soon

Everyone is laughing

Doctor says

You are the best

Indeed

Pain is inevitable

Suffering is optional

Being happy still is a choice

You win

If you find humour

In every situation

Writer’s doubt

This world is realistic

And cruel

They say do what you love

Follow your passion

For my passion is writing

I’m still doing what I love

But they say I’m going nowhere

Because I’m not making any money

I’m starting to doubt

Should I continue writing

Or keen on making more money

If only passion can exchange for a living

If only writing can get me money

My life would be perfect

Most probably it’s not gonna happen

But I believe anything is possible

I just haven’t figured out how

Whatever

I’m happy knowing

My talent in writing

And my gift in showing

What I write

In a purposeful way

That’s already

Already enough

Life is not merely about

Making a living

Life is more about

Making a difference

Chase your dreams

Last few days there was no wind

Today you told me you wanna soar

Suddenly the tornado struck

In a second the whole world changed

I recalled our happy past

Like a dream

My love

You are a star

Don’t be afraid

To shoot for the moon

To discover the new you

The sky has no limit

Your new world will be beautiful

It will set you free

Perhaps you will face the lightning strikes

And thunder storms

Perhaps you will face the dark clouds

And the grey skies

Cold like blizzards

As the Antarctica snows

Please slow down

And think of me

Perhaps you will cry nonstop

At the windstorms

Perhaps the weather forecast there won’t be sunny day anymore

Perhaps you will finally achieve your dreams

And reach your destination

The final destination with deep blue sky

Perhaps your dreams will be broken

My love

Chase your dreams with full of courage

Is not a mistake

If you are a cloud

Your dreams are winds

Winds give you freedom

Also give you pain

Blue sky would adore you

I would pamper you

Forget about pain

And fly high

For your dreams

Your dreams will come true

Your dreams are coming true

Your dreams come true

Overcoming sexual addiction day 1

Undoubtedly I was a sex addict. 80% I thought about was sex. I login to apps, went to cruising places just to look for sex. Anyhow I decided to overcome sexual addiction because I don’t want to get myself in troubles like getting sexual transmitted diseases, destroying other’s lives and relationships etc.

I keep a journal on this blog about my progress so I would be more determined. It’s a tough decision to come out as a sex addict because people would unlove me and I may ruin my self-image etc. But I hope to help more people be aware of their harmful action and take action to become better like what I’m doing.

Day 1 is hard. I still crave more sex. I got messages from some apps and some invitations for sex. I was about to meet them but I kept reminding myself no, they were not my partners, I should be a loyal partner since now so I didn’t reply them in the end. In fact I don’t have a partner now. Should I enjoy myself now with others? The answer is no, I should strive to become a better person not to hook around. I planned to go to library and other healthy spots to enjoy my time but I didn’t because I didn’t want temptation outside.

At last I got too hot to bare because it’s my first day so I helped myself with my hand. Now the desire has gone. I always understand sex is a never ending cycle from horny to sex to relieved and to horny again. Now I just understand it more so I will quit this sexual addiction sooner or later.